Sunday, November 7, 2010


In every major city in the United States there is a Chinatown. In every Chinatown there is a little shop of ancient Chinese curiosities run by an old, seemingly wise but suspiciously sneaky Chinese man. His shop is stocked with foreign trinkets, remedies, and oddities. Things from an ancient Eastern culture shrouded in mysterious mysteries that hold the Western imagination in it's kung-fu grip with intrigue, fear, and excitement. Jars containing herbs from afar, strange animal parts deemed edible, mogwais, skeleton keys to trap doors, the bones of unwanted children, and treacherous traps for your index fingers.

In the case of The Lost Empire, directed by Jim Wynorski (of Deathstalker II and Chopping Mall fame), it's a place where a giggling, red-faced Chinese jeweler can go from pervin' on some blond's huge boobs

to fighting off ninja cat-burglars with ninja star yo-yo's in a Chinatown minute (approximately 1:00 on screen).

He tries to blow them away with a revolver but they deflect all his shots with their yo-yos and put down the shopkeeper by throwing one at his head.

With him out of the way they proceed with their purpose, to wrench a glowing stone out of the eye socket of a statue. Could this glowing gemstone be a priceless artifact? A magical crystal with unknowable power? A key to a secret world? Whatever it is the fuzz shows up before they can complete their devious task.

There are casualties on both sides and ultimately the blood fight ends in a double K.O. Which if you know your Street Fighter is extremely fucking rare. The strange statue head is the only witness to the melee, it's one eye glowing like it likes it.

Right off the bat Lost Empire hits us with boobs, magic, ninjas, and death. Appealing to the very core of our Western sensibilities but hey, there is more here than our collective short-term American memory can know without a scrolling, world establishing, text summary that catches us up on the history of the East that I certainly never learned of in school. Maybe it's that I was only taught a revisionist history or perhaps it's because all this unfolded behind the walls of that city no one was allowed in. I don't know, but now we both will because I will summarize the historical text for you now.

"In a time before history, there existed a forgotten civilization - a strange, mystical race ruled by creatures of myth and magic. They were called The Lemurians. To protect their great power, they implanted their secrets of super-science into a pair of incredible jewels - THE EYES OF THE AVATAR - shimmering stones that possessed a life of their very own. Then, during a cosmic battle that nearly destroyed the Earth, the Lemurians were vanquished and the Eyes separated. It was written that whoever brought the jewels together again would rule with absolute power."

With murdering ninjas sent to retrieve such a powerful stone we can only ascertain that there are dark forces led by a nefarious evil genius who is hell-bent on joining the stones and ruling the multi-verse with his unlimited power. We're going to need a hero, maybe even multiple heroes, and our introduction begins right away.

Present day - Elementary school - Drug addled thugs hold a classroom full of children hostage.

The police don't know what to do. The scumbags have demanded money and a helicopter and if they don't deliver their going to start tossed bodies out the window by the hour.

Typically, the Feds and the locals argue it out over jurisdiction, but this situation is gonna need more than talk, it's gonna need action. Action arrives in the form of a bad-ass dude dressed all in black who rolls his motorcycle right up on the lawn like he doesn't give a fuck.

But he does give a fuck, he gives a fuck about the kids, and he is about to slay some wastoid punks to save them.

He skillfully rides through the front door and takes out all the terrorist gangsters.

BUT WAIT WHAT'S THIS? THE DUDE IS ACTUALLY A BABE! This shit hasn't happened to me since I beat Metroid!

Having challenged our very notion of gender, the filmmaker shows us just one layer of this artfully crafted narrative that will surely continue to redefine how we think and approach the very core issues of gender and society's predication to archaic, prescribed gender roles. Maybe. But first this hard-bodied lady-cop named Angel Wolfe has to find out her killed her brother, her only clues a ninja star found at the scene

and the broken English ramblings of a white actor playing a Chinese man

who tells of a lost world, a sinister Dr. Sin Do, an evil undead wizard named Lee Chuck, and a martial arts tournament on a secret island fortress. Her only way inside this heavily guarded fortress is to enter the competition herself. So our determined heroine calls upon some martial arts friends to join the quest.

The first is an Indian warrior-woman named Whitestar who reminds you of her Native heritage every one-lining chance she gets.

The second a scrappy pit-fighter in a women's prison named Heather McClure.

With the crack team now assembled the ladies go to sign up for the tournament. Which just so happens to be a babes-only competition.

The journey ahead will be full of much peril and danger that's gonna take more than fighting skills, sharp wit, and a pretty face to get through. It's going to take a lot of cleavage as well. Things are looking good.

To the island fortress they go to compete in the Dr.'s sinister game.

On the island they face seemingly insurmountable obstacles to justice. Obstacles that take many forms. Like -

Poisonous cleavage spiders!

Rigorous exercise!

Sword swinging cultists!

Eastern mysticism!

Rape snakes!

The Tall Man from Phantasm!

And a sexually frustrated skeleton-man with a giant dick cannon!

Will the girls defeat the evil Dr. and the undead wizard Lee Chuck? Will they stop the joining of the Avatar Eyes of unlimited power? How many times will their tits fall out of their fur and leather bikini tops? Will they make it off the island alive?

The Lost Empire is a harrowing adventure through the many perils and pitfalls of the mysterious East. A world now thankfully confined to small ethnic neighborhoods in larger metropolitan cities where the only harm it can do is to small-minded tourists and animal rights. In the end it all goes to show that the West's biggest powers are in our xenophobia, large breasted blond women, and knack for flying off islands right before they explode. Except maybe in the case of Hawaii.

Watch the trailer-

Download the torrent.

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