Wednesday, August 25, 2010

WEAPONS WEDNESDAY #13

It's back to school time at Weapons Wednesday!

Summer is almost over, you're back from the base-level humiliations of summer camp, and it's time to load up the Jansport with ragged, out-of-date books on White History and Creationism and get back into the danger zone. This week we provide some old-school classics as well as expose some dangers of the typical American public school experience. It's class for the classless and the metal detectors are broken so it's time to get dirty.

RAZORPENCILSHARPENER. Angela keeps it sharp with a pencil sharpener which shaves off more than the wood on your pencil. When the pencil turns a razor drops from the bottom cutting off the thumb of the unsuspecting student. Not only will they not be filling out the scantron with that pencil they won't be contributing much to society missing an opposable thumb. Not that a public school education would prepare them for contributing much to society anyways.


BICPENBOWANDARROW. Much like prison, kids in schools need to be resourceful when making makeshift weapons. All you need is a pen and a rubberband to make this classroom version of the classic projectile firing device. Best of all the teacher won't hear you launch your pen arrow into the back of some front row sitting suck-ups stupid head. Extra points if you fire at the French foreign exchange student.


TRAPPERKEEPEROFSOULS. Bound in the skin of the ancient Book of the Dead, the Necronomicon, this trapper keeper will keep more velcroed inside it than your math homework and Lisa Frank stickers sheets, it will also consume your mortal soul.


WORDS. What are words worth? Whoever said that shit about "Sticks and stones..." obviously never read a history book because words are the most dangerous weapon of humankind ever. The written word has caused the oppression and subjugation of millions and even re-written history itself. Words cut you like a knife and will leave you crying in the counselor's office like a total...so many words to choose from...sissy.


LEADBASEDSLOPPYJOE. Many a disgusting, sloppy thing has been created and consumed in the school cafeteria. Hannah is like the old Cafeteria lady who has had enough and just wants to see the little bastards suffer. The only thing sloppier than this lead-based paint filled sloppy joe will be the torrential wave of vomiting that will float all the little corpses around the cafeteria floor in a sea of sick.


POISONDESK. Dara creates a desk will make you more restless in class than your mis-diagnosed A.D.D. While some underpaid repressed pedo poisons your mind with words your desk will poison your body. By 7th period you'll be more fucked than the blacked-out girl at Junior Prom.


STRANGERDANGER. Every neighborhood school has one. A drifter, a half-retarded manchild, an estranged alcoholic step-dad. The creeper who shows up every P.E. period gripping the chain link fence with his sweaty hands watching the sexy kids run around the track through blood shot eyes and a head full of mania.


JUNIORGLORYHOLE. Little Timmy is gonna learn early. You stick your willy into a hole and you never know what you're going to get. It's either going to be absolutely great or absolutely terrible, there is no in-between with the glory hole. Just don't open up the stall next to the glory hole, you don't want to see Coach on his knees.


POOSNOWBALL. This weapon needs no real explanation. It's a poo filled snow ball. It's the "big gun" of winter playground warfare. If you get tagged with this bad boy you'd better pray it's dog poo. But chances are it's not, refer to the Stranger Danger entry, it's most likely that guy's.


By the time the bell rings the kids will be lucky to be alive.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

WORDS OF WISDUMB











Ice Cube and Queen Latifah are the same person.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

WEAPONS WEDNESDAY #12

In our modern age there are super-weapons, like the nuclear bomb, that can kill a person (or thousands of them) instantly. They are the weapons designed to eliminate human beings from existence with a cold and calculating efficiency. They are not the weapons of TUF E NUF's Weapons Wednesday. Our purpose is not to merely wipe a man or woman off the face of the earth. No, our aim is to cause as much pain and suffering as possible before the detachment of soul from body.

But not to be too severe we'll settle for minor injuries or annoyances too.

PUBICHARITOOTHBRUSH. I don't know whats worse, the roommate who deserves the psychological pain of pubes on their toothbrush, or the person who puts pubes on a toothbrush. Since John is the one who drew this, and thought about drawing it long before he even got to the bar, I'm going with the latter.


POOPSTICK. Mother nature supplies some of the best weapons around. Put some poo on a stick and viola, no one is going to fuck with you. You alone now do the fucking with. I don't care if you are Rambo with a laser cannon, no one wins in a fight against a poo stick. Even if you kill the person wielding this heinous device there is still a chance you might get poo on you and that's a chance no man is willing to take. Unless you're into that kind of thing...weapon is useless in Germany I guess.


ELECTORAPEWHISTLEMACECLOUD. The ultimate in rape defense. Combining all three classic rape defense tools, this weapon let's the ladies dress however they want, wherever they want, and "ask for it" all they want. One blow of this whistle and the electric stream of the tazer is blown into a cloud of mace, causing the noxious mist to become shockingly effective.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

WILL YOU MARRY ME?


(08-10) 07:22 PDT Toledo, Ohio (AP) --
A security video from a McDonald's in Ohio shows a woman punching two restaurant employees and smashing a drive-thru window because she couldn't get Chicken McNuggets.
The tantrum caught on tape in Toledo earlier this year shows the customer reaching through the drive-thru window, slugging one worker and then another. She then grabs a bottle out of her car and tosses it through the glass window before speeding off.
It happened early on New Year's Day. Police say Melodi Dushane was angry that McNuggets weren't being served, because it was breakfast time.
Dushane says she was drunk at the time. She was sentenced to 60 days in jail last month and ordered to pay McDonald's for the broken window.


Sunday, August 8, 2010

TUF E NUF FILM BUF - HAWK THE SLAYER


Do you know how many sides a icosahedron die has? For those of you who know it has twenty sides and that no dungeon master worth his weight in geldings goes anywhere without it, this movie is for you. Hawk The Slayer is a sword and sandal rumination on all the stereotypes of a D&D game. Swords, sorcery, warriors, dwarves, elves, magic, high-adventure, and Jack Palance.


A king in a castle is about to enjoy a dip in his gargoyle decorated pink jacuzzi in a golden room. By the looks of things you half expect Prince and the Mary Jane Girls to show up for a cocaine fueled orgy but no, you get a one-eyed Jack Palance (which might be the best euphemism for penis ever) instead.


He is the evil Voltan, the king's eldest son, who demands the key to the "ancient power". When dad won't give it up Voltan runs him through with his sword and jets.


In bursts the younger son, Hawk, in a studded green leather vest and a dumb look on his face.


In his last moments his Father instructs him to remove the pouch hidden in his cloak. In that pouch is a glowing green orb thing known as the Mindstone.


Before he can try and smoke it, it magically takes flight and floats towards a golden sword with a hand on the hilt.


The hand on the hilt of the sword opens and grasps the stone tightly. The sword and the Mindstone join together creating a magical weapon known as the Mindsword!


Naturally, Hawk thinks about masturbating with hand on the Mindsword.


But before he can an animated hawk flies into frame


and the title sequence begins! Huzzah!


Verily, our adventure begins. Voltan "The Dark One", appropriately dressed in black all the time, is righteously pissed his dad wouldn't give him the Mindsword and begins his campaign of revenge by angrily yelling for a wizard at the mouth of a cave.


The wizard tells Voltan about a man that stands in the way of his Ultimate Victory.


Unsure about where to begin his quest for the Ultimate Victory, Voltan storms a nunnery with his son Drogo to kidnap the boss nun to hold for ransom.


Ranulf, a one-handed warrior who's village was burned by Voltan, tries to get tough with his cross bow


and gets a knife in the chest.


Voltan's demands? 2,000 gold pieces. His timeline? "I will return when next the moon is full". His demonstration of consequence if the ransom is not met? He cuts a loaf of bread in two.


Ranulf rides for the Holy Fortress of Daneford to speak to the High Abbott for advice on how to battle the evil Voltan and rescue the Abbess.


While the High Abbott tries to pray away an unwanted erection, a boy brings news of the traveling warrior Ranulf.


The Abbott tells Ranulf to ride forth and seek out a warrior of unmatched courage and strength to fight for their cause. When he cannot find such a warrior, he settles on Hawk, who has been biding his time riding around on a pony and trying to hotbox the forest.


With his sword on his mind and his mind on his Mindsword he runs across a pair of rapscallions who are holding court in the forest. The defendant is accused of killing a pig with witchery and the prosecution is pursing their line of questioning with the standard "if she screams while she's dying, she's innocent" burning at the stake method.


Being more renaissance than medieval, Hawk disapproves this kind of judiciary process and saves the woman from the brigands. The woman is a sorceress and tells Hawk that he is sought by the one-handed man Ranulf. Hawk rides his horsey through some puddles just for giggles.


After horsing around in the forest to a strange Italo-disco soundtrack, Hawk stumbles upon another pair of forest outlaws. This time they have the one-handed Ranulf tied to a tree in a scene clearly referenced by the movie Deliverance.


After killing the two with his Mindsword, which he can control with his mind btw, he unties Ranulf who tells him of his quest.


Meanwhile, in a flashback, we learn why Voltan is so evil. It's because he is jealous of Hawk's girlfriend.


He claims that they once dated. A claim refuted by the fair maiden with, "We were but friends, nothing more." Which, misheard by Hawk as, "We were butt friends", causes a deep rift between the brothers. The flashback ends as Voltan warns Hawk to, "watch for me in the night", which could have been misinterpreted as a threat of sodomy after which the brothers themselves would become "butt friends".


Hawk and Ranulf travel through the forest to find the sorceress from ealier. She uses her witchy powers to summon glowing hula-hoops to transport Hawk across vast distances to assemble an elite team, Gauntlet style, to take it to Voltan.


Hawk's team-

The trusty Ranulf, who might only have one hand but he makes up for it with his automatic crossbow.


Gort, a giant drunk with a giant hammer.


Crow, a bow and arrow wielding elf with a little sugar in his quiver.


And the dwarf, Baldin. An ugly little scamp who uses a whip and his wit. Here he is about to eat a fish head, or demonstrate giving head with a fish, hard to tell.


Lo, our heroes hath brave many a foul danger in thine quest to rescue the Abbess and cut down the wretched Voltan and his army of evil-doers. The journey will be long, about an hour approximately, and will require much skill, cunning, and valor for there be-

Beasties!


Forest cults!


Slavers!


Cobwebs!


Drogo and his death squad!


Black magic fireballs!


Ghostly apparitions!


And perhaps most terrifying of all, the threat of a sequel!

Hawk The Slayer delivers on every level. That is, if there is only one level and that level is called "I'm high". So take your hand off your Mindsword for a minute, dumb yourself down with some nyquil or something, and download Hawk The Slayer here. When you're done, and still robo-trippin', mount your steed and rock the soundtrack, which sounds like Yanni took acid and found a pan flute. Enjoy!