Wednesday, June 30, 2010


History has known of many great weapons. Here we transcribe some of the more menacing in hopes that future generations will one day find these manuscripts and re-create these deadly tools. They will be Earth's only chance against the inevitable Alien invasion that will plague our people. Well, either Aliens or China. In any case, shit will go down.

NUNCHUCKS. Not only will they relentlessly beat you about the head and shoulder area they will also make you feel guilty the whole time. I'm guessing Malik went to Catholic school.

POLTERGEISTTV. Weapons Wednesday's first foray into the realm of the supernatural. Anna Belle even wrote the name of the weapon in a strange, unknown, ghostly language. Creepy. She seemed so normal at the time but so did that little girl in the beginning of the movie and you saw what happened there.

SOCCERBALL. Self-explanatory. It bores you to death.

Monday, June 28, 2010


Broke down and spent 30 bucks to see Danzig last night. Photography was not allowed so this is the best pic i could get. He looked like a combination between Peter Boyle in Young Frankenstein and Robert De Niro at the end of raging bull.


Can't get a job so I'm studying up on the Hobo Code.

Hopefully the railcars have free Wi-Fi.

Friday, June 25, 2010



Our great nation is known for two things, winning and not losing. The physical embodiment of our winnitude is the athlete. Victoriously dancing in the end zone of life, the athlete reminds us that winning is the only way not to lose and not winning makes you a loser. We are not known for losers, we fear losing, it's that fear that drives us to win, win. all. of. the. time. and as a country of winners our natural enemy is the loser.

The loser is known primarily for losing but can also be found doing other activities conducive to losing. Activities like lurking, crying, not getting laid, and murder. Murder is for losers as it is an act performed out of the jealousy of winners. But it is also a redemptive act as when a loser kills a winner they themselves are transformed into a winner. So keep your chins up kids. Let your rage-filled jealousy of people more gifted than you fester and grow inside you until you can one day violently burst out in a bloody whirlwind of winning. Fatal Games is a movie about winners winning and then losing as a loser becomes a winner.

The movie opens with young athletes practicing their moves on the monkey bars, jumping, swimming, and running with a pretty kick-ass song that reminds us to "take it all the way", "winning isn't everything, it's the only thing", and "being first is all that matters". It's the soundtrack of their lives as we can see by the awarding of golden medallions. They are the Olympic hopefuls of the Massachusettes Falcon Academy of Athletics.

Soon after the impressive showcase of athletic talent we get to know some of the characters. They are not so much unlike us, the losers (hey speak for yourself!). They do things we all do. They just look way better when they do it.

Here is Frank. He's a winner. So much so that he can turn what would have resulted for most of us in an assault charge into a sexy shower scene. Proving that sometimes what starts as rape sometimes ends as love making.

Here is a short except from the rape case of Frank vs. Frigid Babe.

Evidence presented by the prosecution:

Counter evidence from the defense:


The guys let off some steam after a hard practice with a light-hearted, totally not homo-erotic, game of group towel snapping.

The girls take a totally hot lesbo group shower and talk about the guys.

Everyone is talking about going out on the town and celebrating their winningness. All except for a babe named Nancy who decides she needs to put in some extra gym time to seal a victory at nationals.

Instead she gets sealed to the wall with a javelin by an unseen attacker which is kind of a shame because I don't think we ever got to see her topless.

Next day everyone is wondering where Nancy is. Except for two staff doctors who are embroiled in a debate on the scientific merit of slipping the students roids in order to win more medals.

Turns out the East-Germans and Russians have been "doing it for years" and they win all the time so the roid roofies continue. But at what cost? Perhaps this has something to do with Nancy's murder? Or maybe it's angry javelin guy who had been trying to slip it in Nancy to no avail.

This anger at losing out on sexing Nancy and his love of javelins sets him as our main, if not overly obvious, suspect so far.

Yet we cannot limit our suspicions solely on the guys because this academy is rampant with lesbians and lesbians are the most guy-like of girls and therefore more prone to murder.

A couple instances of lesbianism-

The roid slipping lesbian doctor Diane tries to lez-grope one of the girls under the guise of a "massage".

"East-Europeans have been doing it for years", she says.

I've tried that line before Diane. Didn't work.

Instead of going to the sexy group sauna with the other girls, Shelley and the swimming coach opt to hold hands instead.

Lesbianism aside, a javelin tossing murderer still lurks the halls.

As more babes fall to the javelin our list of suspects grows.

Could it be Mr. Webber, the high-pressure track and field coach?

The lesbian swimming coach?

Phil the track star?

What deranged mind has been killing the nation's best and brightest Olympic hopefuls?

Throughout the movie it's impossible to tell. The filmmakers not-so-skillfully elude to just about everyone. Regardless I wish the killer would have at least murdered all the dudes first because the nudity really drops halfway through the thing.

Fatal Games is your typical 80's slasher. Girls show their boobs and are soon after murdered with a phallic weapon laced clumsily with psycho-sexual undertones. You don't really see the "twist" at the end coming because, frankly, you stopped looking. But in the meantime you learn a lot about what it takes to win. Most of the time it takes an hour or two of extra practice, sometimes it takes steroids, but 100% of the time it takes killing people. When you are the only one standing on a pile of teenage corpses with a javelin in your hand no one can call you a loser.

When you compete in the Fatal Games, second prize is death!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


It seems to be happening more than ever. The memories you have about things you were obsessed with in your younger days are being raped. Raped by shitty remakes, the ironic fashion statements of teenagers, and tied old artists who just don't know when to fucking retire. Because I am all sorts of trepidacious about new shit from old artists, Deth Red Sabaoth had me a little worried. I almost didn't even listen to it. But you know what? It's not that bad! So it's not all the Lucifuge type honky darkness I want from Danzig it still has some pretty strong tracks. Hammer of the Gods and Black Candy (Glenn plays the drums on this one) are two immediate standouts and I'm sure I'll come around to some of the other tracks. With that said, I will not be watching any videos that come from this album. That would probably shatter the nice nostalgia safety bubble I have created for myself to come to terms with reality.


SCIMIGUITAR. The curved Arabian blade gets a metal twist in this instrument of death. There's gonna be more blood onstage than a GWAR show. Only this time the blood is real...and it's yours. Guitar solo becomes guitar suicide, but honestly, what's more metal than that?

SANDFILLEDMORNINGSTARCOMPACT. Dara takes a feminine approach to Weapons Wednesday. I use the traditional definition of feminine which I believe is "Malicious, irrational, spiteful, and violent". I would double check that but I don't own a dictionary or care about being correct. This compact will not only scratch the shit out of your eyes with sand it will also just plain kill you with it's morning star attachment. Your face will be all made-up in the colors black, blue, and red. Just like Tammy Faye's corpse.

BACK-MOUNTEDCATAPULT. With the aid of a few pints, Matt came up with an updated catapult that you load with a vicious live ammo, The sinister cross-breed Rabid Bob-Cat Porqu-Skunk. Bred with the darkest of intentions, this animal covers all the bases of fucking you over. Upon contact the porcupine part sticks to you, the bob-cat part scratches the shit out of you in a rabies induced frenzy, and the skunk part puts the nail in the coffin as no medics will even come close to you and leave you to die.

The GLASSCOZY. Sporting events often erupt in violence. Whether caused by you or someone else no one wants to get stuck with one of those new plastic beer bottles. They suck for fighting. This beer cozy made of glass makes sure you get your point across the way any good sports fan does, with violence.

DOUBLED-BOMB. Legend has it that Garo's neighbor has had three husbands die on her. She also has enormous breasts. It's safe to assume they had something to do with it. Taking inspiration from this black widow the bomb has no gun powder as it simply drops from the sky and causes heart attacks in men (and lesbians).

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


You know what? Fuck it. I love BLime, and it's a problem. I remember once at a party I laughed right in a guy's face for drinking a BLime. I really wish I could take that back. The other day we were drinking BLimes by the river and a raft full of crustys floated by. I could see the envy in their eyes as they watched us slam BLime after BLime, then proceed to smash the bottles on the rocks. Instead of yapping anymore about how amazing BLime is, I made this diagram which I believe illustrates the perfect harmony that is Real Lime Flavor and Bud Light.
Also, please use this picture below as a reference for the only acceptable quantity of BLime to purchase at a time.


Actually, this is not entirely accurate, either. The sweat should be coming from his nose and instead of lifting weights he would be eating Cool Ranch Doritos.

Sunday, June 20, 2010


Just picked up our first run of stickers. TUF-E-NUF logo die-cut on clear vinyl. Affix to objects to increase their value and importance!

Send your address to and we'll send you a couple because you are so very special (special ed! haha got you).




Thursday, June 17, 2010


Mac and Me is more than a movie, it's a film. A film ripe with social commentary about many contemporary issues facing our country today. Issues like immigration, racial harmony, and our destructive consumer culture. I will do my best to ignore these issues and try to enjoy this delightful movie.

The movie opens on the mysterious red planet Mars where some aliens wander a barren, rock and dust, landscape reminiscent of Afghanistan but without the goats.

These aliens are super fugly. They troll around naked sucking some kind of space juice out of the ground with weird straws. They have shit-brown, flabby, pot-bellied bodies which makes me think they might have been kicked off a nicer planet, with a "no-fuglies" policy, for being disgusting.

A mineral gathering Mars rover lands and catches the attention of an alien family.

They investigate by throwing rocks and poking it with sticks. Their highly intelligent scientific method gets them all sucked into the rover through a vacuum. The rover decides it's had enough of this bullshit and takes off back to Earth.

The alien stowaways are intercepted by the intergalactic border patrol, NASA, but manage to escape detention by exploding some walls.

During the escape one of the alien children is separated from the family. He (not actually sure of sex because these aliens have no genitals. Trust me, I was looking) crawls into a van and immediately starts sucking down a Coke.

His parents wander a desert wasteland and start to put on clothing. The cultural assimilation begins right away.

The van our little alien buddy crawled into belongs to the Cruises. A family consisting of a mother, a super horny skateboarding teen, and a young, bright-eyed, budding homosexual, no-walking cripple in a wheel chair named Eric. They're on the road to a new life in southern California.

They arrive at their new home and Mac is spotted getting out of the van by the Native American who lives across the street. Who is probably kind of pissed because she's had enough problems with all the whites moving into the neighborhood.

The Cruise family settles into their new home that doesn't have any stairs and has huge closets. Perfect for our little nancy cripple Eric. Thanks mom!

As the boys unpack zany things start happening. Older brother spots Mac in the hallway but because of a combination of dirty sunglasses and pure stupidity, thinks he is seeing things and brushes off the alien sighting.

Little Eric is only slightly smarter and after he's able to watch The Snorks on an unplugged tv his suspicions are aroused. But only his suspicions, as he is crippled from the waste down.

After following a trail of muddy alien footprints to the backyard, and with the aid of the tracking skills possessed by the Native American neighbor, Eric knows something is afoot, and it's not him.

Mac watches the family move in from the outside like a little Dickens-esque scamp and gets all emo on us.

So during the night he decorates the place in a kind of midwestern style in an attempt to bridge the cultural gap.

Mom gets really pissed off and blames Eric. Upset, Eric wheels himself outside for a cry. While attempting to pick some lovely flowers on a hillside to sooth his effeminate heart his brakes give out and he rolls down a hill, off a fucking cliff, and into a lake!

Luckily for Eric our buddy Mac is on the scene and quickly jumps in and saves the day! HOORAY!

Needless to say, no one but the Native American girl next door believes Eric that there is a little alien creature running around. Mom is too distracted by her poor life choices and her youngest son's near death experience. Older brother Michael, as well as myself, are too distracted by Courtney, the babe next store who works at McDonald's and has a slammin' bod.

Where E.T. failed, Mac and Me delivers. This movie turns into perhaps the most watchable series of moving frames ever to hit the screen! Having Courtney walk into my life, with her big hair and tight pants, has a lot to do with it because you'll find yourself sitting though it just to see her again. But while you are you'll enjoy some madcap high-jinx like -

Car chases!

Elaborate disguises!

Break dance routines!


McDonald's party!

Death defying stunts!

Racial harmony!


Now I don't want to spoil anything but this movie will move you in ways you thought impossible, your heart will be warmer than it has ever been, and the ending will blow your mind harder than a psychic prostitute.

Mac and Me (and Courtney) is available for download at Cinemageddon and if sign-ups are closed and you need an invite contact us through our Facebook page and we'll hook you up.