Friday, June 25, 2010


Our great nation is known for two things, winning and not losing. The physical embodiment of our winnitude is the athlete. Victoriously dancing in the end zone of life, the athlete reminds us that winning is the only way not to lose and not winning makes you a loser. We are not known for losers, we fear losing, it's that fear that drives us to win, win. all. of. the. time. and as a country of winners our natural enemy is the loser.

The loser is known primarily for losing but can also be found doing other activities conducive to losing. Activities like lurking, crying, not getting laid, and murder. Murder is for losers as it is an act performed out of the jealousy of winners. But it is also a redemptive act as when a loser kills a winner they themselves are transformed into a winner. So keep your chins up kids. Let your rage-filled jealousy of people more gifted than you fester and grow inside you until you can one day violently burst out in a bloody whirlwind of winning. Fatal Games is a movie about winners winning and then losing as a loser becomes a winner.

The movie opens with young athletes practicing their moves on the monkey bars, jumping, swimming, and running with a pretty kick-ass song that reminds us to "take it all the way", "winning isn't everything, it's the only thing", and "being first is all that matters". It's the soundtrack of their lives as we can see by the awarding of golden medallions. They are the Olympic hopefuls of the Massachusettes Falcon Academy of Athletics.

Soon after the impressive showcase of athletic talent we get to know some of the characters. They are not so much unlike us, the losers (hey speak for yourself!). They do things we all do. They just look way better when they do it.

Here is Frank. He's a winner. So much so that he can turn what would have resulted for most of us in an assault charge into a sexy shower scene. Proving that sometimes what starts as rape sometimes ends as love making.

Here is a short except from the rape case of Frank vs. Frigid Babe.

Evidence presented by the prosecution:

Counter evidence from the defense:


The guys let off some steam after a hard practice with a light-hearted, totally not homo-erotic, game of group towel snapping.

The girls take a totally hot lesbo group shower and talk about the guys.

Everyone is talking about going out on the town and celebrating their winningness. All except for a babe named Nancy who decides she needs to put in some extra gym time to seal a victory at nationals.

Instead she gets sealed to the wall with a javelin by an unseen attacker which is kind of a shame because I don't think we ever got to see her topless.

Next day everyone is wondering where Nancy is. Except for two staff doctors who are embroiled in a debate on the scientific merit of slipping the students roids in order to win more medals.

Turns out the East-Germans and Russians have been "doing it for years" and they win all the time so the roid roofies continue. But at what cost? Perhaps this has something to do with Nancy's murder? Or maybe it's angry javelin guy who had been trying to slip it in Nancy to no avail.

This anger at losing out on sexing Nancy and his love of javelins sets him as our main, if not overly obvious, suspect so far.

Yet we cannot limit our suspicions solely on the guys because this academy is rampant with lesbians and lesbians are the most guy-like of girls and therefore more prone to murder.

A couple instances of lesbianism-

The roid slipping lesbian doctor Diane tries to lez-grope one of the girls under the guise of a "massage".

"East-Europeans have been doing it for years", she says.

I've tried that line before Diane. Didn't work.

Instead of going to the sexy group sauna with the other girls, Shelley and the swimming coach opt to hold hands instead.

Lesbianism aside, a javelin tossing murderer still lurks the halls.

As more babes fall to the javelin our list of suspects grows.

Could it be Mr. Webber, the high-pressure track and field coach?

The lesbian swimming coach?

Phil the track star?

What deranged mind has been killing the nation's best and brightest Olympic hopefuls?

Throughout the movie it's impossible to tell. The filmmakers not-so-skillfully elude to just about everyone. Regardless I wish the killer would have at least murdered all the dudes first because the nudity really drops halfway through the thing.

Fatal Games is your typical 80's slasher. Girls show their boobs and are soon after murdered with a phallic weapon laced clumsily with psycho-sexual undertones. You don't really see the "twist" at the end coming because, frankly, you stopped looking. But in the meantime you learn a lot about what it takes to win. Most of the time it takes an hour or two of extra practice, sometimes it takes steroids, but 100% of the time it takes killing people. When you are the only one standing on a pile of teenage corpses with a javelin in your hand no one can call you a loser.

When you compete in the Fatal Games, second prize is death!

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