Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Is it socially irresponsible for us to post different deadly weapons every week? Maybe. It is not for us to say what you do with this information. Just don't try and drag us into court when they catch you. If you get caught you are doing it wrong.

DEATHCHAIR. Troy is a web designer, which is probably obvious enough by his disdain for pens and pencils as evident below. Being in such an industry he has an intimate relationship with chairs because he sits in one all day and like any relationship things can go south and result in the death of one or more people. His Deathtrend chair is a violent marriage between trendy modern (read:uncomfortable) furniture design and covert weaponry. Invite your best frienemy over and invite them to have a seat, in hell. Or just sit in it and never get up, resulting in the world's record for longest (and most boring) suicide.

ROLLERBLADES. No longer just a tool for social suicide! Now you can cruise down Venice beach in your Gotcha tank top while you bleed to death. On the way you can walk down in your flip flops and get your feet nice and flat for the blades. Maybe you saw the movie Airborne when you were a kid and have actually convinced yourself that rolling around on wheel shoes will score you some babeage. Maybe you're just retarded. Either way, l8r sk8r.

ANTHRAXSALT. Ever since 9/11 (haven't forgotten), it's been getting harder and harder to deliver anthrax to people. Sending it in an unmarked envelope just doesn't cut it anymore. Sarah has come up with a solution that should help you get your message across to that stupid liberal senator that's ruining GOD'S AMERICA. It's like that old summer camp trick where you loosen the top of the salt shaker so when your target tries to use it salt falls all over the table and ruins their lunch. But this time your target uses it and it's their face that falls on the table effectively ruining all their future lunches.

THEINTERNET. One of mankind's crowning achievements and perhaps the most dangerous weapons ever conceived. All the information of all the history of all the world accessible to all. A tool so powerful it turns most people against themselves and proves once and for all that we are all our own worst enemies. Like Gollum in a dank cave you sit in a dark room with your sweaty face dimly lit by the glow of the computer screen. Mountain Dew becomes your sustenance as you watch Japanese people do things to each other you have never dreamed of. Soon social networking sites take the place of your real life social network, you troll Ebay for things you "need", you start a blog about weapons, none of your shirts fit you anymore so you abandon clothing altogether, the doorbell rings and you feel a twitching anxiety, you make a hat out of tinfoil to keep government satellites from reading your thoughts. After the great Internet Wars of 2036 the world will fall into a second Dark Age. During this time chaos will reign and darkness will wash over the world like a sea that knows no shore. Yet, in a small village nestled in a forest hope is alive and after an epic journey a midget will drop the Internet into a volcano and save the world.


But feel free to keep trying to make the TUF hand, it's funny to watch.

Saturday, July 24, 2010


Obviously not what he meant by "severence", Mr. Hassa pulls an outright dick move.


Wednesday, July 21, 2010


You are either with us or against us. Unless you want to pull the chord on your genetic line in an act of mercy upon the world you are going to want to sign up with TUF E NUF.

CHRISTBOW. First they came for the cattle and I didn't speak up because I am not a cow. Then they came for the gypsies and I did not speak up because I am not a gypsy. Then they came for the villagers and I didn't speak up because I am not a Romanian peasant. Then they came for me and there was no one left to speak up and I was all "fuck that", so I shot them in the heart with with my CHRISTBOW. Combining the elegant simplicity of the crossbow with custom wooden ammo, a spear-tipped crucifix that upon impact releases the holy water tears of Christ from a hidden compartment for that extra burn. A true "triple threat" to our bloodsucking enemies.

NINJASTARBELTBUCKLE. Truly become a victim of fashion with this designer accessory. It cuts the shit out of your stomach and groin every time you sit down but you refuse to take it off because it was so damn expensive and someone once said it looked nice. A seriously wicked gift to give to your best frienemy as it will make their life a living hell until they day they drop dead from wound infection and blood loss. Essentially the male equivalent of the high-heel.

J-WOWWHAIRBOMB. Angela's weapon addresses a plague upon our modern society. The Guido infestation is slowly moving west. Before we know it they will have taken over our gyms and laundromats pumping their fists and bench pressing people. As their strength and numbers grow it will become necessary to take on more guerilla tactics. Much like the "bomb in the baby carriage", the J-WOWWHAIRBOMB strikes at their weaknesses. After a night of shirtless grinding to house music the Guido makes their move to slither between the neon orange legs of the Guidette. Little will they know that the blacked-out Sicilian strumpet will have had an IUD of sorts placed in her huge Jersey hair. Let's not let them get to Season Three. "One shot, bro!"

CHEAPSOAP. Dara just might have discovered yet another devious plot oppress the poor. In the secret lodges of the Freemasons and Illuminati decisions are made to establish the New World Order. Decisions that forward their agenda of economic darwinism and classism like pushing lead based toys and eye burning soaps onto the shelves of Walmarts everywhere so the only products the poor can afford slowly poison their impoverished bloodlines.

RUBIXCUBE. Nothing kills the party faster than a Rubik's Cube. Probably calling upon a traumatic memory, Anna brings us the tool of tools, the cube that makes mouth-breathing dorito suckers and Korean teens alike feel like they're gifted and want to show it off in front of everyone. With a punctuated record scratch your party will come to a screeching halt and all of your popular, attractive guests will run for the door leaving you alone with the dorklord responsible. Then you can either ask him to be your dungeon master or just kill yourself. Chances are you won't see the morning.


Tuesday, July 20, 2010


There is a mystical skate spot between Shafter and Webster streets on West MacArthur Blvd. in the fair town of Oakland, California known as the AAA banks. Many a man has traversed these steep banks with intention of skate glory and have been rejected like a bastard child from Wilt Chamberlain's juicy loins. Here's the layout for visitors: A wall of transitions tighter than a nun's pussy in a pressure cooker, a planter that is 8 inches high by 4 feet wide and that gives the hope of a 3 foot ollie but delivers nothing but flaccid ollies time after time (which was coincidentally fully cleared by Ron Allen in an H Street video more than 20 years ago). A brick runway that is more distracting than watching Oprah Winfrey giving Adolph Hitler a rim job on a rollercoaster. And to top the whole thing off, the spot is about 14 inches from 3 lanes of vicious oncoming traffic.

Don't get me wrong. The AAA banks are actually pretty fun to skate, but this is no spot for the faint of heart. This is a spot for manly men. Men that may have ingrown hairs on their nutsack. Men that have gone down on a woman with a 70's bush. Men that have taken one for the team and made a fat chick feel like that raspy voiced bitch in Romancing the Stone being loved down by Michael Douglas in his prime. To skate the AAA banks is to skate without fear, which defines the sport of skateboarding in it's truest form. The only way to conquer this bumpy bitch is to charge it full on, like a runaway freight train on a 3 day cocaine bender. Anything less would be doing a disservice to the concept of velocity. Go get some.


Friday, July 16, 2010


In the early 70's and 80's the Philippines were a hot bed of movie making magic. Despite an incredibly oppressive regime, the international filmmaking industry took advantage of their cheap labor, exotic locales, and total lack of rules. An "anything goes" atmosphere that brought about some of the best exploitation films of the era. Monster movies, jungle prison movies, blaxploitation and kung fu hybrids saw the light of day in a political climate that was repressive at best. A documentary about this chapter in exploitation cinema history, Machete Maidens Unleashed, is coming out soon by the same people who brought us the expose of the Ozploitation genre, Not Quite Hollywood. If you haven't seen it, it's fucking awesome. You can grab the torrent here.

Here's the trailer for the up-coming doc. Film Buf material for sure.





Thursday, July 15, 2010



OK first, eat a spoonful of nutmeg, bake some banana peels, inhale the vapors, then BANG THIS IN YOUR JEEP:

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


When America falls the weapons of Weapons Wednesday will circulate in the black market for years after, much in the way we see weapons from the Cold War era wreaking havoc and destruction in places like Bosnia and Somalia. While there exists a deep evil in man to subjugate other men we will be here, making these devices of doom, aiding the strong in the never-ending cycle of Darwinian violence. Time to pick a side.

SHIVRADIO. Two of your biggest problems is prison are murder and boredom. This weapon solves them both. Listen to the game or your favorite AM radio fucktard while shanking an AVer after luring him to the shower with the promise of an HJ. Make sure to turn the radio off when putting it up your butt during cell searches, you'll have a really hard time trying to mouth the voices on the radio when the guards get suspicious.

BRASSKNUCKLEMITTENS. When you're out ice fishing with your buds things can get a little weird. You might even start leaving letters off of words, like the letter "K" for example. Maybe someone had too much to drink, maybe prolonged exposure to freezing temperatures has caused violent delusion, maybe the other workers at the base have been exposed to an alien virus and you are Kurt Russell. Whatever the case you can knock them senseless while keeping your hands warm and cozy.

JOHNSBUTT. A cruel cross between chemical and psychological warfare. The sight of the ass causes terror, the poisonous ass gas causes death. John's stomach is a volatile cesspool of fast food and alcohol. The noxious substance churns away in the acid pit of years of decisions and when released can render entire eco-systems uninhabitable for decades.

Monday, July 12, 2010


TUF E NUF believes in you and wants you to be the master of your universe, follow your dreams, shoot for the stars, be all you can be, and never let anyone tell you you don't look like He-Man.

Sunday, July 11, 2010


On a righteous quest for endless salad and breadsticks, our friend Marwan discovers that what he thought was an Olive Garden was actually the grave of metal legend Ronnie James Dio. Disappointed at first he made the best of it and paid his tributes. Seriously, Dio's grave looks like the patio at an Olive Garden designed by Frank Stallone. You'd expect swords, tigers, flames, shit...even rainbows, but a faux fresco of some uglies sitting on top of a grave literally 10 times bigger than his tiny, elfish corpse? Not so much, but who am I to judge. Ronnie James changed the face of music with one of the most prolific careers in the genre so he can have a grave with whatever he wants. Ozzie's will probably look like a Hot Topic pop-up shop.

That's Italiano!


Saturday, July 10, 2010


Premiers Sep. 3rd!



Woah dude, Richard Ramirez aka The Nightstalker has the coolest custom stationary of all time. Of all time. So jealous right now. It's like the VHS cover of an 80's movie about satanic murders that never needed to get made. Because Ramirez was that movie. I think if they make one it should star Lou Diamond Phillips.

Manson's is just plain crazy. A.T.W.A. is kid of lame. But it does have a scorpion. Points for the scorpion.

One day TUF E NUF will have custom stationary but it's going to be hard to have a cooler letterhead than The Nightstalker. Fuckhead set the bar too high.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010



We all know the future is going to be fucked up. We just don't know exactly how. Action International Picture's (AIP) Future Force is like a magic window into a future that would have been had David Carradine not tied a little noose around his penis and forgot the safe word while a Thai hooker choked him to death in a hotel closet. So when watching the movie we should imagine it sans-Carradine and the horrible reality of a future overrun by criminals and thugs will become terrifyingly real.

In the future (1991) crime in America is out of control, prisons are overrun, and the streets have become battlefields. Out of resources and options the police have become privatized. Carradine is John Tucker, a bounty hunter who heads the notorious Civilian Operated Police Systems. The name of his gang of bounty hunters at first seems pretty pansy but when you realize it's acronym is C.O.P.S. you feel pretty fucking stupid for ever thinking they were anything less then super-badass. When choosing an acronym one should always pick a kick-ass word first and then conveniently lump some somewhat pertinent words together to fit the letters after. They have a serious arsenal of killer weapons and will stop at nothing to stop criminals in the name of the law. But when Tucker learns of corruption within the C.O.P.S. organization he will have to fight the very thing he used to fight for, the law, and he will have to use force in a time ahead of our own (1991), hence Future Force.

Fade into a factory in the future. Workers are leaving after a long day of work.

A lone man waits in a jeep outside with a gun and a badge. More like a patch actually. He waits for a criminal, his bounty, who is worth a whopping $7,500.

His mark is up to his old criminal drug dealing ways as he gets ready to sell his product to two Canadians (obvious by their over use of denim and pleats).

But the jig is up, Tucker appears and reads the scumbag his rights, which includes that he is "guilty until proven innocent" and has "the right to die".

After a not so tense standoff the trenchcoated drug peddler tries get his wallet from his coat and Tucker mistakes his gun for his taser and blasts him with an old-school six shooter.

Enraged by Tucker killing their drug dealer, the two Candians viciously attack him with a 2X4 and knock him to the ground.

Down but not out, Tucker strikes back with a lightning fast ball punch and quickly defeats the two Canucks.

The Canadians revive themselves and attempt to make a hasty escape but Tucker pops the trunk to reveal his secret weapon. A deadly modified Nintendo Power Glove!

He slaps it on and powers it up.

The two drug-crazed Canadian criminals try to run Tucker over on their way out.

Bad move because Tucker decides he's had enough of this bullshit and blasts them with his awesome Power Glove.

Justice is served, cold, on a hot plate of death, served straight to your face by a deadly waiter with a robot arm named John Tucker.

There is a lot of justice being served in the future. You can tell by a well charted "Weekly Kills" list on a chalkboard at C.O.P.S.

C.O.P.S. headquarters is full of crime fighting mercenaries.

Tough dudes with no use for sleeves chomping at the bit for the next big-money bounty. Although that leather/chain combo thing might technically count as a sleeve.

C.O.P.S. headquarters also has a bar where the bounty hunters blow off steam slamming beers and watching babes dance.

Meanwhile, across town, a spunky young news reporter broadcasts a report on C.O.P.S. and their criminal ties to a dangerous criminal outfit run by this guy-

They watch the news report and decide this over-zealous reporter needs to die. To make it clear to his bald-headed goon the big boss makes a finger gun and points it towards the TV.

The goon then uses a computer to create a fictional bounty for the young reporter effectively signing her death warrant. Top Dog John Tucker is immediately put on the case. He tracks her down in a parking garage and detains her.

Soon all the other C.O.P.S. are trying to kill the reporter to collect the $100,000 bounty. Tucker is determined to play this one by the book and bring her in alive but the big boss needs her dead before she reveals to the world his crimes. That makes Tucker a problem that needs disposing of.

Now on the run with the reporter, Tucker must fight for his life as every renegade in the city is trying to kill him.

Armed only with a shitty Jeep Cherokee

a wheelchair bound dorklord who likes to talk to him over a futuristic video phone

and a Power Glove

John Tucker must survive the mean streets of the future.

Future Force is not only an action-packed dystopian thrill-ride, it's also truly inspiring in it's technology. It will be years before we can even come close to the multiple functions of the single button on the Power Glove's remote control.

Grab the torrent here or watch it on youtube.