Monday, May 31, 2010


American Cyborg Steel Warrior

Nuclear war has rendered the earth a wasteland and all it's inhabitants sterile. A computer system we "imbued with an artificial intelligence" forces what's left of humanity to live in a sleaze filled trash heap vaguely resembling a city, kind of like Reno. Cybernetic Organisms (which is science talk for Cyborgs) enforce the computer systems Draconian law. Their uniforms are leather jump suits, steely looks, and mustaches. They come equipped with machine guns, needle fingers, and robot vision.

The city is a case study in dystopian urban planning ripe with trash hobos, corpse looters, crust punks, and future whores.

Underneath the city a rebel force in a science lab is planning mankind's only hope for survival. Some kind of European fetus boat smuggling plot. Sounds sketchy but they have a secret weapon, a babe with a working vagina. It's a start anyways.

I'm a little confused on why the fetus is chillaxin' in a tube though and not in her tummy.

Whatever, her name is Mary and whenever the convo gets heavy about the fetus the soundtrack composer presses the "angelic choir" preset on his casio so maybe she's a virgin and this is all some kind of Cristian allegory, I don't know, but she's a fox and has got a working vag so who cares.

The plan is set, they have exactly 36 hours to get the tube baby to a boat set for Europe where the "European artificial womb" awaits, but just as they are geared to leave the computer system oppressor hacks their shit and the enforcer shows up and starts icing fools.

The mustached killing machine takes out everyone except Mary and a lesbian who make a hasty escape.

The enforcer gives chase and quickly slays the lesbian using his robot vision as she attempts to climb a fence.

Her corpse is immediately looted.

Now Mary is all alone to face the post-apocalyptic dangers of the future wasteland.

The old adage goes "It's darkest before the light and that's about when a capable man comes along to save you" and even though the outlook is bleak soon a Christ-like rogue hero appears, named Austin and incredibly back-lit, to protect Mary on her journey.

His rugged good looks, fantastic hair, and resemblance to Lorenzo Lamas (without the salary requirements) make him the ideal man for the perilous journey. Mary tells him some lies (typical) and convinces him to accompany her.

Thus the stage is set for high adventure. Mary and Austin go forth through the wastes on a quest to save all of mankind. The road ahead will be riddled with all sorts of dangers.

Dangers including, but not limited to-

Corpse looters

Neo-gay punk Rocky Horror wastiods


Radioactive cannibals

and the relentless murder factory known simply as "The Enforcer"

If you like movies like Van-Damme's Cyborg, smoking drugs, drinking alone, and Showtime at around 3:00am on a Tuesday then this one's for you. Available for download at the bastard prince of torrent sites, Cinemageddon.



You're welcome!


Jimmy Carter is my favorite president.



Friday, May 28, 2010



My 5th grade tribute to Motley Crue. Made by hand while listening to Dr. Feelgood all jacked up on Jolt Cola. One of the strings(fishing wire) is broken from a particularly hardcore solo moment.

Hard to see and worn away by the sun is my pencil and marker drawn Motley Crue graphic. While everyone else was making ashtrays and friendship bracelets I was making this guitar, dreaming of rock stardom and making out with Lita Ford in the Rainbow Room. This guitar was my ticket, hey, it could still happen. Dare to dream.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


SOCKFULLOFSNAKES. For those who have easier access to snakes than quarters, which is most of us.

SCORPIONARROW. If the arrow doesn't kill 'em the scorpion will finish the job. Scorpion itself may die on impact, this weapon has not been tested.

RAILWAYSPIKEBOARD. A hobo classic. Not very creative but get's the job done. Super handy for when your "buddy", Scuddletooth McGoo, drinks all the shine and won't give back the harmonica.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


COWAGUNGA DUDE! The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles inspired NINJASTARPIZZACUTTER. Reminds us all that pizza can be both delicious and deadly.

The pre-duel glove to face slap has never been so elegant and scratchy. The SANDPAPERSLAP(GLOVE) is also very handy in wood-working applications. Doubly dangerous when used in the creation of wood based weapons.

What's worse than getting beheaded? Getting chewheaded. Which I guess means getting your neck chewed through until your head falls off. The PIRANHAGUILLOTINE accomplishes just that. Funny how the 2 pitchers of IPA I drank caused me to spell piranha wrong and guillotine right.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


Romero has been fucking up his legacy for some time now. Slumped over in some assisted living center he has gone from making the greatest and most prolific zombie movies of all time to some of the worst the world has ever seen. From the ultra-shit Land of the Dead to even-more-ultra-mega-shit Diary of the Dead to the all-encompassing-ultra-mega-shitiness of Survival of the Dead, Ol' Georgie has been ruining his cred more than a zombie ruins it's own pants. So why not then crawl onto the 3D band wagon to remake a great movie made by another once great director, Dario Argento, who has also been kicking himself in the legacy nards with a "should have ended years ago" career? (La Terza Madre, Giallo)


I read today that George Romero is slated to direct a remake of Dario Argento's Deep Red in 3D. The result of this geriatric collaboration will be like a gigantic vampire turd positioned between two circus mirrors so it's unholy reflection with multiply it's own stink into infinity. We are already going to have to bear the upcoming remake of Suspiria so what's left? When will the remaking end? When will original content come back to cinema? Was it ever there? Why am I so angry? Should I move out of my parents house? These are all valid questions. I guess they'll run out of stuff to remake eventually. We'll probably have spaceships and sex robots by then so who cares. But for now all we can do is bitch and moan and contradict ourselves when we (I) shell out $12 to see this shit in the theater.

Original Profondo Rosso trailer

Monday, May 17, 2010


Beware the Ides of May. Another TUF E NUF hero dies this month. Ronnie James Dio, the man who took the unenviable task of following Ozzy in Sabbath and didn't suck, died of tummy cancer on Sunday. Today we're going to drink wine out of silver goblets and swing our swords around misty ruins (no homo) in memory of Ronnie James.

Holy Diver

Rainbow in the Dark (live)

Dio teaches some history


Thursday, May 13, 2010

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


KNIFECHUCKS are one of the manliest weapons you could use in a death match. As equally dangerous to you as your opponent, KNIFECHUCKS scream "I don't give a fuck (whether I live or die)".

The FUCKUKNIFE is especially useful if the act of murder alone doesn't say "fuck you" enough.


The Nightmare, Henry Fuseli, 1781

When I was 12 I would skate (or "thrash" if you will) down to a video store (remember those?) called Video U.S.A. In the back of the store, above the "cult" section, hung a poster for a Ken Russell film called Gothic.

This poster was terrifying to me (look at that fucking troll guy). Because of that terror and a weird thing for Natasha Richardson I became determined to see the film.

I had to wait for the one guy that worked at the store with no moral compass to rent this to me. It was worth it. It's a sexy romp into opulent gothic madness. It's even scored by the blind scientist Thomas Dolby. Not only was it an awesome time in a dark room but got me curious about Ken Russell as a director and interested in the work of the German artist Henry Fuseli. The Nightmare is somewhat a mystery and it's meanings are argued among those who bother arguing about things. Most likely it's inspired by the Germanic folklore associated with dreams. Tales of witches and demons that fucked with you in your sleep, ghost horses or hags that would visit with men and women that would engage in sex with the devil. All really awesome gothic spooky shit. This painting ended up being so popular that he created a two different versions of it.

A poem by Erasmus Darwin inspired by the piece-

"So on his Nightmare through the evening fog
Flits the squab Fiend o'er fen, and lake, and bog;
Seeks some love-wilder'd maid with sleep oppress'd,
Alights, and grinning sits upon her breast."

Some more Fuseli gothic romanticism-

The Mandrake A Charm-1785

Titania and Bottom-1790

Thor Battering the Midgard Serpent-1790

Monday, May 10, 2010


Directed by Lynch for the Japanese coffee brand "Georgia"!

Number 1

Number 2

Number 3

Number 4 - fucked up quality on this one

Damn fine coffee!


One of TUF E NUF's favorite artists, Frank Frazetta, died today of a stroke. Perhaps the most influential fantasy artist of all time his work shaped our adolescent minds and contributed to an already unhealthy obsession with swords, axes, and boobs. Hopefully his family is considering a viking funeral for his burial. It would be the right thing to do.



Confessions of an Opium Eater is a 1962 film, based on the the 1822 novel by Thomas de Quincey, starring the great eyebrow archer Vincent Price. Confessions grabs you by the pipe right from the beginning with the opening sequence. A white horse runs across a strange and misty beach, a corpse lies half buried in the sand, Price narrates over eerie music about a strange ship carrying "human cargo for sale in Chinatown".

We soon find ourselves in the San Francisco chinatown of the 19th century where a midget newsie (remember those?) squeals the headlines about a Tong war and the police section off the district. Danger looms and a fucking seagull drops straight down out of the sky, NO SHIT, presumably from an OD. Quincey (Price) walks into a chinese antique shop (the kind of place you buy a mogwai) and shows the shopkeeper a dragon tattoo, which scores him some secret info, laying the path for intrigue. He exits through the back where a man with no legs wheels past him on an ancient Chinese skateboard. Right-away you know this movies owns. Quincey navigates his way through the secrets of a Chinese underworld like a Kurt Russell of an earlier, more debonaire, era.

Here is our hero chasin' the dragon.

Here's a photo taken in a San Francisco opium den in 1889. Chillaxin'.

Do yourself a favor and pull your internet rickshaw over to Cinemageddon
and download this gem.

DVD-R version

MPEG version

Asian babes in bamboo cages, midget dragon ladies, wall scaling assassins, purposefully broken engrish, and Vincent Price. Perhaps made even better while smoking opium on a bean bag chair. Who knows, I don't have a bean bag chair.

More historical fun!

A San Francisco police brigade fresh off a den bust.

After busting hella dens the SF police burn hundreds of pipes and other paraphernalia. Hat required!

"Remember that time we...oh dude I fucking love this song"